get em girls.
It’s Women’s History Month. Someone even told me “Congratulations!” haha on International Women’s Day earlier this week (the man was being super kind so I said ‘thank you’ to be polite, but as the kids say, WTF). So I guess I should write about being a woman – although, I am in fact a woman in every other month too – shocking. But, I’ll play.
As I often do, I’ll start this rant with a bit of context. First off, I love men. The majority of the most important people in my life and my best friends are men. I grew up with boys. I lived with 4 of them as my college roommates. I’ve attended some of their bachelor parties. I’m an alpha male inside a straight woman’s body in a lot of ways. My dad is my best friend and hero in some sort of combination of father-son/father-daughter traditional relationship that’s probably best explained by a shrink. My husband (partner of 14 years) is my silent champion – he has never batted an eye about me constantly betting our entire future on different business endeavors (or attending bachelor parties), supports my entrepreneurial masochism and associated mental health roller coasters. Mad love for all these facets of my life.
Anyway -- I digress -- This one is for the ladies…
As the parental lead in my upbringing, my mom was way ahead of her time (for another post), she raised me in what modern parenting would probably call ‘gender neutral’ (I made that up I think - I have no clue about parenting). My next-door neighbor (a generation ahead of my mom) would try to take jabs at her and say things like “you’ve raised two nice boys” when my sister and I were growing up. Little did she know, this made my mom smile were words she considered a high compliment rather than an insult. My sister and I were taught to be tough, strong, independent, and always to have the opportunity to hold the power in a romantic relationship (aka money). ‘That will give you freedom’. Thanks Mom. ((Also, as it is pertinent to this post – here’s to you Mom for bucking the trend and helping pave the way -- going to city college while working full time right out of high school, getting two masters degrees (one MBA in international finance), a PhD in Marketing Research and Quantitative Analysis (only woman in the business school for a doctorate at Baruch at the time), pausing your career to dedicate your whole self to raising us (such a hard, admirable decision) while dad raced around like a rat to provide, kicking ass as a professor at many a university, and getting after it to build a successful commercial real estate empire. Fucking. Get. It.))
Ok, back to me on being a woman. I’ve been a woman in a man’s world for a while which was probably deliberate (maybe another question for a shrink). Again, I love being around men. When I entered undergrad business school, I immediately found my niche in finance. Partly because numbers are my thing, and the concepts came naturally to me but also partly because that’s where the alpha males were going. I wanted to hang out with them and then beat them at the game. I don’t recall many female finance majors in undergrad or grad school – I remember maybe less than 5. After school, I got a job as an investor at a hedge fund. I was the only woman at the fund that was part of the investment team (non admin). I was 20 years younger than all the other men (aside from 1 that was my age). I had no female friends on wall street. I left the fund to build a distillery and drive a forklift. Not many women were doing that at the time. Lots of questions from press “What’s it like to be a woman in this industry?” “Ummm I don’t know, I was born a woman so have no other frame of reference. I’m sure it’s hard for anyone to build a distillery and launch a liquor brand.”
Clearly, I’m drawn to male dominated industries. Although inherently a feminist, I was never an outspoken rah-rah sisterhood type (and still am not) in these roles. I never really felt different than the guys… Now, as I get older, the world gets more ‘woke’ (*cringe*) and I reflect on things, I have a few stories and revelations!
So here are 3 things I’ve gotten clear on recently:
1. Most importantly, HOW have men run the world for so long? Like seriously. It’s astounding. To any women out there who may be intimidated by men in business – here’s a piece of advice : you’re likely smarter and more capable. Once you see through a lot of the ego play, bravado and blunt bullshit, it’s enlightening. Don’t let the pretense fool you. Go into those meetings believing you’re the smartest person in the room. Because in a lot of cases, you will be.
2. The power of women helping women is real. Please don’t ruin that if you’re out there in the ether on some mean girls high school shit. We have to help and support each other – make intros, investments, give advice (time!), buy goods from female entrepreneurs, etc. Hire each other. If you are a woman thinking of running money to invest in women, do it. Women are more likely to invest in women than men are. I can feel that gravitational pull to help one another in solidarity, let’s amplify it.
3. The only way up is out – women are going to shatter ceilings quickly by being in their own games. Start your own side hustle, grow it and bounce from your male boss or executive team holding you down. I’ve personally learned this now 2x over. Hit a wall, change course, run fast, start a business.
And here’s a PSA to some of the men out there who are still learning how to behave -- these are some lessons that I’ll share based on my experience:
It is not ok to exert your power and authority over women that are younger than you (really of any age, but I think younger women tend to be more susceptible and easier to prey upon). Stop pressuring young, inexperienced women to go on business trips to fancy hotels around the world with you for no reason. You are twice their age and it is wrong to use them as a piece of ass to make you look good at the bar and keep you entertained. These situations have been brought to light in the media recently, it’s not about physical abuse, it’s about a culture of silence revolving around power. Perhaps you don’t even really consciously know what you are doing. But wake up and stop.
Don’t say “Damn, those pants” Like ever.
When a 26 year old woman is pitching you for investment in her new start up, don’t say “What happens in a couple of years when you get married and have a baby and don’t care about this business and therefore my money?” It’s extremely insulting on so many levels that I’m not even going to tackle that here. (Update, that woman is 36 with no kids and built and sold that business with a nice return to her initial investors)
When you’re a partner at a VC fund and a woman is pitching you for investment in her new business, don’t respond to her follow up note with a request asking her for drinks. She will go because she ACTUALLY thinks you are interested in investing (and not something else).
Don’t literally laugh at women standing in liquor stores pouring samples of the product they make – ‘you didn’t make this!’ ‘this is a marketing ploy!’ – hm yeah, just fucking no. Even if they are there from a marketing company, don’t be a dick.
Don’t ask women managing your construction project where their husband/brother/partner/father is when they are paying the bills. Show some respect.
Grow up and look women in the eye.
Stop holding women back from climbing the ladder because they make you uncomfortable when they’re at the table. Get comfortable being uncomfortable. The old boys club is dying whether you like it or not. Get on board with the future. You know the hashtags. But fuck a hashtag, women will improve your company and your bottom line which ultimately makes you look better anyway.
This post is not meant to come across as angry. It’s simply meant to inform some people out there on how dumb they can be and also to share some observations I have made in my career thus far.
I think there is a healthy, natural way for men and women to interact in business. We are animals after all and sex is real. It’s ok to be human and the lines are hard to navigate no doubt. When I realized on wall street that the CEOs of multi-national corporations (mostly male, that needs to change too) wanted to sit next to me at the dinner table of investors who were all twice my age and men – I decided not to get offended, but I used those situations to learn everything I could from those leaders. I had their attention. That was power. I don’t proport a culture of being scared to interact on any personal level. Business is personal. But, for now, we need to call out what’s wrong and where the lines need to be drawn before we can get to what’s right and equilibrium.
Progress is being made with each passing year. Ladies, let’s keep our heads up, our focus laser and let our capacities speak for themselves. Men, if you believe in free markets, you know where the under-utilized human capital lies, and therefore you know where the money is. This week alone, I’ve personally invested or consulted with four successful female founded start ups. I look forward to the day when we don’t distinguish between gender (aka lose ‘female’ in front of ‘founder’) and there is no need for a silly month dedicated to celebrating women (let’s just do that erryday).
PS : March is arguably the worst month of the year. Give us a better one while we are it.
